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Thursday, October 3, 2013

...and we're back: The Journey of the Last 4 Months.

I can't believe it has been this long. So, since we last spoke, I had a baby! 
A precious 7lb 15oz, 20 inch baby boy at 3:24am on Saturday, May 24th. 
We will call him Yogi here. 
I didn't mean for my maternity leave from the blog to be this long, but I was very anxious about starting to write again. Not only was I unsure of my identity as a mommy, I didn't know where the blog would go from here. Since my life has changed, would it be okay for my blog to change as well? Would my readers appreciate the change or should I totally re-brand and start from scratch? Days, then months were going by as I sat undecided on what to say or do, I couldn't even visit the blog without it feeling overwhelming- like another thing on my 20 mile long to-do list.  
Starting to blog again after this long hiatus is much scarier than starting the blog was.
I was so confident then, I knew exactly who I was, what this blog would be about, and how I could easily manage it all. Well, let me just have an honest moment with you- I no longer feel any of those things. I am slowly beginning to figure out who I am in this new chapter of my life, but I still have no idea where this blog may go and I have no idea how often I will be able to sit down and write a post or document a Pinterest-worthy DIY project, but I am still passionate about being a homemaker, that much I know.

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So this is the journey I have been on: 
I have had a constant inner struggle for at least the last 10 years; I am at all times both a perfectionist and a free spirit. I want things done with excellence, coming out just as I had envisioned, but I am easily distracted by the creative side of myself who gets an idea or whim that may be all consuming for days. This causes an inner argument on a daily basis over which side will win out- and in the last few months, the fighting has been amplified by the postpartum hormones. The perfectionist side of me wants my life to be and appear as perfect as possible, considering anything less an embarrassing failure. I want my house to look like a magazine spread, every meal to look and taste professionally cooked, to be dressed to the nines every time I leave the house (and preferably already back to my pre-baby weight), and everyone to think I've got it all together. Anything less and I feel guilty about my inadequacies. This perfectionist side of me is always nagging and critical of the free spirit side. The free spirit loves to read, learn, and create. The free spirit is frustrated when the perfectionist wants to waste the 8 hours or less a day Yogi is awake cleaning, she wants to play and snuggle with him, take 60,000,000 pictures and video every adorable giggle. The free spirit wants to spend time with my husband when he comes home. She makes lists constantly, so as not to disappoint the perfectionist, usually feeling overwhelmed with the unfinished, ever-growing list; and feeling as if one way or another I always needed to apologize for letting someone down.

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The courage to start writing again comes from this understanding of myself. 
  One side is not really better than the other, they both make me who I am. I am who I am. God loves me just as I am, and He made me this way for a reason. I do not need to compare myself to others because I can only be me.
So in the last month I have decided to stop feeling guilty for not having it all together all the time. 
You may find grammatical or spelling errors here because I may not always have time for extensive editing. If you come to my house, there will probably be a dish or five in the sink, and some shoes in the floor, but my baby and husband will be clean, fed, and happy. Although I do feel more at peace when my house is in order- when my bed is made, and the kitchen counters are sparkling and bare, beating myself up over my imperfections does not lead to peace. 
Most of all, even though I may not have time for any new creative hobbies, I am not bored or boring. 
At the end of the day, regardless of how much I accomplish, this guy loves me for who I am, and appreciates his chilled out mommy! 
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